Eating Small Things: Chicken & Dumplings

It's going on 3 A.M. and I am hungry. I pad down to the kitchen to see if there are any small things that can be eaten to sate my mighty appetite. I check the freezer, the fridge, and the cupboard, hoping to stumble across some forgotten morsel of food. Ho! What is this in the back of the cupboard? Why, it's none other than Chicken & Dumplings! It's the canned variety that no one ever eats, nor remembers purchasing, for that matter. Tonight I'm feeling bold. I am hungry enough to eat these vittles, but an odd feeling tells me I should break out the camera and document the event for a blog piece.

"Houston, we have a problem." I read the nutrition label on the can. Wow, 59% of my daily value in sodium per serving. How many servings are in the can? Oh.. three. So that's 177% if I eat the whole meal. Gotcha. I must be fair, though, and point out that there is zero trans fat per serving, which is good. But even so, that is a lot of salt. No wonder this stuff lasts forever.

"Staring into the abyss." The next step is to open up the can and have a look at the chicken & dumpings. "Ulp!" I find that my appetite has gone away as if by magic, which is weird considering that I was starving only seconds before. Despite mounting reservations, I press on and glop some dumpings into a bowl, place them in the microwave, and sit back.

As the timer ticks down, I am visited by Lord Blankfang, a warlord from the distance future, who, despite his grizzly appearance, is a wonderful conversationalist. We have a brief discussion on the pros and cons of being a 2-inch-tall chaos lord, and before I know it, the food is done.

I take a bite of chicken, a bite of dumpling, and then walk over to the garbage disposal and toss the whole mess down the drain. Maybe it sat in the cupboard too long. Or maybe it's supposed to taste like that. Anyway, it's inedible.

From the countertop, Lord Blankfang berates me for wasting food, but I ignore him and go upstairs.